Dear Torchy's: It's Not Me, It's You

Wahaha! People, not unexpectedly, are hating on "Sheena" from my last post. I feel bad(ish) because she is a real person, that some might know, though she isn't really in my circle at all anymore. I (guess) I should clarify that I think she acted with the best of intentions and from her place of knowledge, which without knowing her entire life story, seemingly didn't include a lifetime defined by dieting/not dieting, eatin' wins/eatin' fails, and constant worry about size. There just isn't much of a way to know the full implications of that without living that awesome fairy tale of a life. (Except maybe by reading this, yes?) I feel sure that in this alternate world, that doesn't include past times like playing, "Am I The Fattest One Here, Again?", that you do, in fact, lose weight by like not eating cake for a while or going on a walk or some shit like that. (Does anyone think I sound bitter? I think I might seem bitter here. I'm...um...not...yeah.) I pretty sure that without living the full live version of this fat fairy tale, you could never get to a place where your favorite ice cream flavor is "low-fat." I feel sure that being reminded to just like not have cake (oh yeah...I never thought of that!) works great if you've never had to say...write a letter to cake in order to quit it.

I have never written a letter to cake...I don't think. But last year, when I started writing down everythang I eat, I did write a letter to a taco, from Torchy's Tacos, a delicious place to eat, in..you know...moderation. I paste it here for your enjoyment.

Dear Torchy’s Tacos Democrat Taco,

So listen, this is hard to say, but we can’t see each other for a while.  It’s just that, well…you’re no good for me. When I’m with you, it’s great, but then I’m left all emotional and needy, and later I just wish you were there again. It just isn’t healthy for someone to be with one taco that much.

What? No, don’t cry.  It’s not you; it’s me. I’m the one with the problem.

Now what? You’re angry? Well, I take it back. It is you. I mean come on, outside of tasting great, what do you have to offer me? Your genetically modified corn tortilla? Some mediocre quality beef? Dipping sauce with transfat? Hmmm? Tell me, dammit, what’s so great about you?

Yeah…I know, the fun. Here’s the deal. Once I’ve had my time apart, we can probably hang out here and there. But not like all the time. And you can’t bring your friend Green Chile Queso, cause you know shit gets crazy with the two of you. Remember that time with Dr.Pepper?

Yes, I’m seeing some vegetables. Go on, call me a vegetable whore if you want. It’s true. It is a lot of vegetables, like all day and all night, yeah. Lean protein too.

I wish you could be mature about this.

Later,

Miss Lady...

It's supposed to be funny, but it's also sick too! It would be one thing if I was writing to their Trailer Trash taco with all the cheese and fried chicken and avocado, but I'm writing to a simple beef taco that I occasionally poured a sauce on, sometimes. (Gawd dammit, I want that taco now.) Also, to me, even worse...I can't write to cake, because I don't really eat cake. Do you see cake on my nutrition log? Nope, cause I don't eat cake.

Or well, in full disclosure, I did eat a "cake" last night after my postings of food. I decided to try WF's Fit Starts Here Carrot Cake because it was by the register and has only unsweetened applesauce rather than any true added sugar. I still feel comfortable saying that I don't eat cak...oh wait...I think I ate some cake on the first day of this blog, at that Oscar Party...oh goddammit, food.

So you see, we can't hate Sheena or the Sheenas of the world. (Right?) You really don't get to this place with eatins if you don't have to. No one can be blamed for that. Envied with bitterness, sure. But not blamed.