Salad Dressing-- Free at Last.

No, not like fat free or stolen. I don't do that shit anymore. I mean free from the damn salad dressing, which at some point, had placed a chokehold on like my entire nutritional system!*

Giving up salad dressing has been awesome for my lifestyle. Here's why:

• No salad dressing shopping. So, though I don't do fat phobia diets anymore, as you probably know, I did. Trying to find a low-fat or fat-free (almost impossible) dressing that tasted passable consumed a large portion of my food thoughts in the 1990s and beyond. Way too much. Do you ever hear people speak in hushed but excited tones about salad dressing? Like, "You have got to try this new vegetable glue dressing. It only has 7 grams of fat per droplet and you can always just dip your fork in it!" Ridiculous. Plus who the fuck wants to eat something passable? "Mmm...this food is so passable!"
• No fatty chemical sauce concerns. As much as I don't want to avoid fat, I don't think I can get on board with the blantant sluttery of say...ranch dressing. I certainly know there are dressings that avoid this, but most of them are just the worst ills of industrialized food all concentrated up in a bottle. I want fat in my diet, but I'd rather get something of substance, like a whole chicken, out of the deal. Maybe that's why I put it on pizza in college? (In addition to the reason of being drunk.)
• No salad dressing transport logistics. Thank God. I remember that for many years this was a significant barrier to taking a salad for lunch. Since you generally can't put the dressing on the salad hours ahead of time (see what an asshole dressing is?) due to wilting, matters get complicated. Over the years I tried keeping extra bottles at work (quite a financial investment), putting dressing in little baggies inside the salad dish, placing the bottle at home on top of the salad so that I wouldn't forget it even though I always did, and even buying plastic lunch containers with a built-in salad dressing cup-- which is cool till you lose the little lid, and various other bullshit. It was all way too much trouble. Not to mention the general logistics involved in having fresh salad dressing in general. WTF does spoiled blush wine vinegar dressing smell like? I dunno. Anyhow, the net result was a reduction in salad eating.
• Tasting vegetables. Here's what happened. At some point, I realized that I didn't need dressing if I had other items, like salsa or guacamole. Somewhere between 1-2 years ago, during some sort of cleanse, the acceptable other items started to be fruit and meat or almonds. Before I knew it, I was enjoying the taste of the vegetables alone. It's fucking amazing! Some veggies taste better than others, but they all taste good. Raw and on their own. My nutritionist even advised me that she wanted me to use some sorta oil dressing, but I still mostly don't bother.

So there you go. It's easier and it tastes better. Oh, I guess I could have just said that, but it's not my style.*

Here are a few salad combos that I love without dressing:

• Green stuff (spinach, baby greens, whatever) with strawberries, blueberries, and/or black berries (whatever is on sale), turkey or something, almonds. Oh I also do this with smoked salmon sometimes.
• Green stuff, salami, olives and other items from olive bar. Sometimes hummus.
• Green stuff, black beans, salsa or pico or just tomatoes, chicken.

*You know, some of my students from this year, told me that I'm dramatic about everything. I was like, "whatever, I just speak with flair," but I'm starting to see their point. Also, "speak with flair"-- who says that?

Adrenal Exhaustion

So I'm gonna write about this, just so people know this is possible...because I didn't. You could easily just google this (I'm actually about to so I can be sure to get the details right) but how would you know to if it isn't even on your radar.

Well...getting a straight story was harder than I thought...so I'll just do my best to capture my understanding. If I have a detail wrong, please forgive.  So, your adrenal glands make a few hormones to deal with stress of various sorts. One of them, cortisol, you may have heard of on those commercials where they scream about STUBBORN BELLY FAT, because an overload of cortisol causes STUBBORN BELLY FAT.  Anyhow, it is supposed to be released intermittently as a response to stress, but if you have too much stress...side effects occur like STUBBORN BELLY FAT. Yeah. Adrenaline, another hormone, problem isn't a surprise to anyone, but if you find yourself calling upon the flight-or-fight hormone too often, the glands wear out and you can't make it when you need it. My understanding too is that cortisol and adrenaline operate in balance, so if too much cortisone is released, adrenaline will be driven down lower. According to my understanding, DHEA also steps in here somewhere to try to fix the problem. When it gets called on too often...yes, its gets worn out. Side-effects of low DHEA can be high LDL, decreased energy, and a reduced ability to deal with stress...which just contributes to the cycle.

In my quest to figure out why weight loss is so much more difficult than it should be for me, I've had a FEW hormone tests. My adrenals turned out to be low, and I was given a supplement. I haven't had another blood test done, so we will see if it improved. However, I also took a few steps to reduce stress in my life.

So, there was the normal American pasttime of job stress. The problem with my job as a teacher is that it is a maze of deadlines, with every possible way out blocked by understaffing, high-stakes, and fucking guilt over never doing enough. At key times, like the end of the year or a particulary full grading period, I now realize that the crazypants feeling that I had was probably a flood of adrenaline or cortisol. Sometimes I was in the state for weeks at time. I don't have perfect control over it, but I have worked to arrange things so that feeling doesn't happen, either through making different instructional or assessment choices, or by just damn relaxing when I feel it coming on. Anyhow, that couldn't have been healthy.

Other types of stress weren't so obvious to me. One was undercalorie dieting, which I did for like a lifetime. I didn't think of that as stress, but to my body it was ill and needed to work hard to buffer me...even though it was often just a matter of a few hundred calories. Anyhow, this is part of why I won't do that again ever.

The last was over-exercise. So for all kinds of reasons...like loving a challenge...and wanting to lose weight but finding it difficult...and having an active dog...I became the sorta person who does marathons, half-marathons, and triathlons. The sort of endurance exercise I engaged in, only sometimes with appropriate rest periods, is exactly the sort of thing that can lead to adrenal exhaustion, especially when you aren't fuel properly.

So, I still haven't figured out what role this is exactly playing in my body chemistry, though it seems clear that it somehow effects my metabolism. It makes sense that I would be affected now that I see that I triple-fucked myself. I wrote this blog so you wouldn't triple fuck yourself.

True Confessions

Of an over-dramatic over-eater? Yep. Pretty much.

So I want to write down what I've been up to so that I can both see and change it, and so I can memorialize its awesomeness. Sick? Probably.

So, here's a victory. Part of the reason my daily nutrition blog has been not so daily is that I was closing out the school year. Always a busy time of year...and usually a stress filled time of weight gain. For a number of years I was gaining weight at the end of the school year and at the beginning a few months later. NOT good for dress fitting. Anyhow this time I managed to only gain weight right after school was out. Or maybe I'm just bloated. Who would know.

Anyhow, on Friday I ate at the Black Star Coop with the Duchess. I ordered a shrimp aguachile appetizer...but it came with bread and I ate it. Then had mucho dranks with her.

Saturday included my friend Laura's wedding rehearsal. I ordered the salmon dish, but the people next to me left before dinner, so I ate some of their frites and steak. Hmm...seems like I'm better at ordering than eating. I also ate Amy's ice cream in flavor "the dude" since it was their special dessert. How could I not?! Seriously.

Sunday was her wedding and it was awesome in all ways. Here's some stuff about the food: Passed apps like catfish bites and shrimp crisp deliciousness and eggrollish stuff. I drank some dranks. There were many lovely choices for dinner; I chose the snapper, which was delicious, but I'm pretty sure the cream sauce did me in. Or was it the cake or cookies? Doesn't matter, I have no regrets, but its important to remember that was special occassion eating...and right now isnt special.

Monday was special though. To memorialize fallen solidiers I had to have a cookout at my house...and eat all the gelato and sausages and potato salad.

That would have been fine, but I also ate inappropriately on Tuesday, and today I finished the gelato so that I wouldn't have to worry about it tomorrow. I feel sluggish and inflammed, and I plan to end it tomorrow. Dammit.

Fuck Off, Weight Watchers

So, I'm gonna assume that if you are the kinda person who reads what I write that you also watch Mad Men. Right? So you know that there were a few scenes on last night's episode, "Dark Shadows," that were set at a Weight Watchers meeting.

Just so it will be clear how I feel about this, I'd like to start with a little letter to Weight Watchers, since we know I often write letters to things that can't read, like tacos.

Dear Weight Watchers,

Firstly, fuck off. Also, no thank you to the helpful emails you send me (I know I can unsubscribe; I'm lazy like that.) and to the postcards that say how much you miss me. I can't come to a fucking meeting right now, because I'm eating olives, dammit. And planning recipes with avocado, bitches.

With bitterness that's only somewhat misplaced,

Miss Lady

P.S. What makes you so damn sure I still need to lose weight, hmm? I feel highly suspect of your business model that thrives off the great American failure to lose weight.

So...I knew there would be a WW rant on this blog, maybe many, but I wasn't quite ready to tackle the subject yet. Since I wrote about Fat Betty though, I feel like this Mad Men episode forced my hand...like when Biden made Obama publicly admit how he has probably felt about marriage rights all along!

I'll start by admitting that there are a few positives to WW, and that I have lost weight following their program at various points in my life, albeit temporary, and sometimes unhealthy. See how good I am at being positive?

Pros
1) Accountability-- There's nothing like having strangers look at your weight to make you think about what you eat. I love making food choices because I'm worried about shame! Shit, I suck at being positive. I suppose there were times when I felt accountable to only myself on the scale. Course, once I felt like that, I also didn't want to hear what the ladies had to say about my weight either way. Again, fuck off.

2) Support-- You can find a sense of community and share various tips with people at the meeting. Before I bitch about the volume of absolute nonsense that gets said at these meetings, I will say that some of the leaders did provide guidance in negotiating the low-fat, cheating your way to thin version of dieting that is prominent up at the WW. "If you put yellow glue substance on your sammich it's just like cheese. And with a side of diarrhea chips, you'll have tricked yourself into thin in no time!" No really, there was some good advice. I'm just not capable of saying anything nice.

3) Helping people who ain't got no sense-- One of my friends told me that her husband once tried to help her eat healthy by giving her a Hostess fruit pie...you know, a fried pie, presumably because the fruit was healthy. I also know that many people have lost perspective on what's healthy, thanks to our fast and fatty national cuisine. Case in point: I went on a date, with a man y'all may know as "Spite Fuck" to the East Side Kings (where I like to conduct all my life's affairs actually) and after we consumed our 3 fried items (albeit delicious, real, and whole fried items) SF said, "Wow. I haven't eaten that healthy in years!" My point is that there a whole lot of ways of eating worse than Weight Watchers, so for some people it really is a drastic improvement.

Cons-- Hell yes! I love cons.

*Full disclosure: Since I have sworn off the WW, I don't have much experience with their PointsPlus plan. My understanding from...discussing it with my mother, is that even though there is some focus on whole foods (aka Power Foods) the core of it, is really still the same. Other than that, I've had intimate knowledge of ALL of their plans since about...well...1980..81, somewhere in there. One of my earlier (but not the earliest) lessons in the shame of being out of control of your eating occurred when I accompanied my mom to a WW weigh-in at a creepy old church. I have a lot of nice childhood memories with Mom, but this isn't one of them. I remember leaving quickly, and I remember her being mad and disappointed. And I have 15+ years of personal weigh-in memories that mirror that memory, and the Betty scenes...which is why I wanted to climb of up my friend's living room wall during them. A room full of people basing their self-worth on their weight that week...yep.

On to the cons...

1) A lot has been written about the folly of the low fat craze that advocated choosing pasta over protein, so I won't go into it too much. If you want to read more about it, I'd start with In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan. But I will say how very detrimental this was to me. Probably for reasons having to do with genetics, I was only ever meant to process simple or complex carbohydrates so well, but following the Wisdom of the 90s and WW (which was of course based on the Wisdom), actually made me sick, and maybe broke my metabolism forever. I kicked ass at eating low-fat, which meant that when I loaded my body with carbs there was nothing to offset the sugar rush-- no emulsifying fat, no protein replacing part of the carbs-- just sugar. Which meant an insulin dump, excess insulin -- which I believe helps you make FAT, and a subsequent loooowwwwwwww. At which point I turned into the incredible hulk version of Miss Lady and/or cried because I couldn't decide what to eat. I eventually fixed this symptom with whole food and protein, but I'm still resistant to my own insulin after years of that. This, people is one of the ways that people become diabetic.

So...do I blame WW for that? Not entirely, as we were all guided by the Wisdom of the 90s...but WW does promote and, in fact, still advocate a one-size-fits-all nutrition plan, and that seems stupid as hell, given that some of their advice has been so detrimental that it could steer some metabolic types toward, instead of away from, the betes. Course, you can layer your own guidelines on top of WW, but after I did that enough, I wondered why the hell I was giving them money every week.

2) Which brings me to the next point of my rant-- undercalorie dieting. There's some shit I'm not doing again. Regardless of  how suitable or not suitable WW is for how you metabolize food, you will lose at least some weight if you follow their plan, because it just isn't that much food. However, you might also be hungry...really really fucking hungry. You might also feed off your own glorious muscle...and be congratulated for your big weight loss as a result. You might hit a million really sticky plateaus. You might give yourself adrenal exhaustion. And you might...um...fall off the plan again and again because you are hungry and then spend ages 14-31 or so joining and quitting over and over and have a harder and harder time losing weight each time and write a really long rant about Weight Watchers even though some of this is surely your responsibility. Just hypothetically.

3) Here's my biggest problem, and one that it took me quite a while to spot. WW, with a little bit of help from other sources, cultivated the idea that I was a sick, broken eater. Somewhere along the way...sometime after the time of "exchanges"...WW seriously ramped up the marketing of their WW products. Between this, and the advice being dispensed and shared at meetings, the idea that overweight people needed a lot of shit to manage the task of feeding themselves lodged into my mind, the minds of my family members, and seemingly a lot of other people. At their meetings WW sells and often promotes, "low point" candies, cookies, and chip like things to get your through your day. There was an awful lot of talk about "needing" these items to get from meal to meal or in order to avoid cake at parties and such. Now that I understand a bit more about what causes cravings-- for me, but also for other, I know that the most insidious part though is not what we said about the food, but what the food does. All of it, of course, is highly processed, even more so than regular junk food. What response does a body have to being flooded with the chemicals of  a low- fat ice cream sandwich? It wants more chemicals. Pretty sure a lot of junk food works this way, but when this happens to people who are not eating enough calories and probably not getting enough fat..and so they are often craving both of those too...and you tell them that for just.one.more.point they can have some more faux chocolate...

Here's what happens: 2..3...4 Skinny Cows in a day! If you've ever done this...or if you've ever cut down your REAL MEALS to budget for more diet junk food...I understand. Even though I once had the very reasonable attitude that desserts were for here and there, special occasions etc...when I first arrived at Weight Watchers at 118lbs (yep...be advised that I'd kill any one of you if I thought it would make me weigh that little now...actually I'd want more muscle than that...but its neither here nor there since killing doesn't make you thin) within a decade I was sure I couldn't get through the day without a faux dessert...or two. I know that the very last time I took a stab at WW, I decided to try to get through the week with just one 4 pack of desserts, and it was BETTER. Now I don't eat that shit at all, and I can't say I miss it. Turns out, I don't need it-- so yeah, WW you can fuck off again.

I haven't even touched on the fact that its easier to calculate points with packaged crap and the dependence that creates, but I think the implications can be inferred.

4) Other non-sense enabling ideas-- The one above fits into this category, but there were so many more. One that stands out, is the shitty attitude toward exercise. This can vary from leader to leader, and physical activity is certainly encouraged...but there was always this undercurrent of..."we know you defective fat people don't want to exercise, but you have to!" Fuck off again and again, Weight Watchers. I'm an athlete, bitches, and I love working out. I'm looking at 1..2..3...6 fucking race medals hanging on my door right now. And not for no pussy 10Ks either cause they don't give you medals for that. The fact that they be disrespecting me aside, this has other implications. First, because they rely on the scale, or because they don't really expect you to workout...a muscle gain will be read as a failure up at the Weight Watchers. A serious fucking flaw, that you have to have rock solid confidence to overcome. Imagine...you've been deadlifting fucking tractor trailers or hippopotomi all week and some flabby arm quasi-healthy geezer lady tilts her head to the side and says "aww" while you are standing on the scale in you damn socks (taboo at WW btw) and your cotton weigh-in outfit (story for another day)! Clearly, I'm still a little upset up this.

More important though, is that in their efforts to promote exercise amongst the feeble fat non-exercisers, I've seen WW enable people to not fucking get a workout. Favorite story like this: I was at a WW meeting here in Austin (which for some reason suck even more than in other cities) with my friend Jackie-- not the one you know, I have LOTS of friends named that. We were gonna like get thin for real or something. Anyhoo, this leader lady starts talking about how to get more activity/activity points in your life and asking for ideas from the group. I want to suggest marathoning or climbing Mt. Everest, but I keep my mouth shut and listen, cause I do know that's not for everyone. People name some reasonable stuff, like go for a walk. Then we talk about gardening, which is definitely harder work than I'm interested in at the moment...but isn't really a consistent workout for most...but I see what they mean. Soon we move on to talking about how making two trips from the car with your groceries is a really good way to get more exercise. Really? Is your car in Oklahoma? At this point, Jackie and I start to exchange looks, cause its kinda funny. But when the leader starts to champion this line of thinking and come up with other helpful workouts, like walking down to your mailbox instead of pulling the car up to it, or putting the remote over there...we start looking for the candid camera hidden somewhere. It was like an SNL skit, except, alas, no.

So basically, she just talked everyone out of exercising for real. It was not appropriate advice for anyone except the morbidly obese or limited mobility elderly. And maybe not even then. NOT my first time to hear that shit either. I believe Jackie and I ran out, debriefed, and promptly ended that round of WW.


So...um this has been a lot of cussing, even for me. Clearly, I have a few pent up feelings about WW and probably dieting in general. I feel like I should cut some of this, because of its volume, but I'll leave it, in case any one part of this is helpful to someone else or touches on their WW and/or dieting experience. Sometimes its nice to know you aren't alone in Skinny Cow addiction or whatever. And I certainly don't mean to ruin or dampen anybody's WW experience. I'm sure it has merit for some. Just for fucks sake, take it all with a grain of salt. (0 pts!)

I end with this: I clearly do not have it all figured out, as I haven't managed to achieve a lean body mass yet. However, since I told WW to fuck off, I'm not hungry, ever. My relationship with food has improved drastically-- in my brain and my body chemistry. I don't have many cravings (outside of ESKings) and I control portions naturally on a regular basis. I'm happy, though you can't tell it from the volume of times I used the f-u-c-k word here. It really is fucking awesome when you tell Weight Watchers to fuck off.

Eatins-- April 23-29

Monday April 23--

Breakfast-- Chick-Fil-A sandwich
Lunch-- Salad with raisins, apples, and spicy turkey
Snacks: Apple, peanut butter with almond butter
Dinner-- salad greens, rotisserie chicken breast, edamame hummus, tomatoes

Tuesday April 24

Breakfast-- Tacodeli Otto on corn (2) + iced coffee
Lunch-- Zen-- brown rice, peanut sauce, buddha mix (carrots, squash,...and other veggies), double meat dark chicken
Dinner-- salami, edamame hummus, blueberries

*Good news-- thanks to also eating a lot of benedryls, my severe allergy reaction is subsiding. This is important to eating, because it severely diminishes my appetite. Some might think that is a blessing, but its not. The only problem I currently have with the actual volume of food I eat, is that sometimes I undereat-- in terms of calories, but also nutrients. When my system is inflammed and full of ...congestion, it makes it hard to have the appetite that drives me to be prepared and eat healthy flavorful foods. Instead, I put off preparing/eating until only convenient choices are an option, and furthermore I gravitate toward bland fatty comfort foods. At this time last year (you think I'd learn) I remember only wanting to eat mashed potatoes with butter, and sending my nutritionist a frantic email about that, since its a terrible food choice for me. So appetite= good.

Wed April 25

Breakfast-- Tacodeli Otto on corn + iced coffee
Lunch: HEB HFCS Sushi
Dinner: Lemon Chicken with brown rice
Snacks: Bobo's Oat Bar Peanut Butter

Thur April 26
Breakfast-- 3 eggs + 2 Pedersons Breakfast Sausages
Lunch: Turkey, Hummus, and tomatoes.
Snack: Can't remember, but I feel sure there was one.
Dinner-- Fake Chicken Karaage-- Involves a rotisserie chicken, mint, basil, cilantro,onion, and jalapeno sauce lightly sauteed. Ain't no East Side Kings, but I enjoyed it. And cooked it myself!

Friday April 27
Breakfast: Chick- Fil-A-- must get back in the habit of cooking at home, dammit! But mornings are clearly starting to wear real thin...or real fat, as the case may be. #Teachingmakesyoufat.
Lunch: Fake Chicken Karaage! I was smart enough to make leftovers!!
Dinner: Chipotle-- Brown Rice Barbacoa Bowl with Chips. Note to self-- this, even without the chips, makes me uncomfortably full.

Sat April 28
Breakfast: Starbucks Sausage Sandwich + Iced Coffee
Lunch: Brown rice and salmon sushi from WF
Snack: Spoonful of almond butter
Dinner:  A long awaited East Side Kings-- Chicken Karaage (In this case, fried chicken thigh brined and served with basil, mint, cilantro, jalepeno, onion, and sweet chili sauce.) and Brussel Sprout Salad. They were sadly out of beets.

Sunday April 29
Breakfast: Two Ottos on corn tortillas.
Snack: Iced coffee and cake ball.
Lunch/ Dinner: Meatloaf with macaroni + broccoli
Snack: Guac + Red wine + carrots.

Oh yeah...I have a blog--Eatings-- Friday March 30- Thur April 5

So, I sorta forgot about my blog. Its a symptom of how I keep overcrowding my life in general. You know...with 3 email accounts, 2 twitters, a facebook, oh and two blogs.

So below is where I made a point to log in and keep track of my eatins two weeks ago. And then I forgot about writing stuff down...and may nutrition in general. Full disclosure-- since April 5, while I have continued to fit in healthy meals like eggs,spinach, and tomatoes for breakfast, I've also eaten brisket sandwiches, 2 Chick-Fil-A homophobic biscuits of hatred, Tacodeli, and a fried guacamole pie. My waistline suffers along with my self esteem. Oh and one day, after a derby bout, and I had a burger with the bun AND fries and I ate it all. ALL...it was amazing.

So...soon I'm gonna write a post thats both uplifting and super dark that will maybe kinda solve the mystery about whether or not I'm fat. It should be a jem.

I know you all want to know where I got that fried guacamole pie. Some pink trailer called The Bomb (or something like that) that is fortunately located in Dallas most of the time.


--Whole Foods eggs, oatmeal with almonds, raisins, and cranberries
Snack: WF sushi
Lunch: WF Tuna Salad
Dinner: Sandwich with chicken sausage and 1 slice cheese
Baby Shower: cheese, crackers, some sort of pancake, cupcake, chips, Makers and Ginger Ale

Sat-- Tacodeli-- 2 Ottos on corn, Starbucks Iced Coffee
Titayas Vermicelli Lover + spring roll

Sunday-- Starbucks sausage sandwich
Tacodeli-- One Otto, one bacon+egg+cheese that didn't come with bacon!
Dinner: Cobb salad with chicken and quinoa
2 Gins

Monday-- Eggs with spinach and chicken sausage
Snack: Ham and Lentil Hummus
Snack: Apple + Almond Butter
Dinner: Salmon + Asparagus
Snack: Fancy iced cream sandwich

Tuesday--Migas from WF with oatmeal and potatoes
Lunch: Chicken salad
Dinner: Baked chicken, greens, avocado

Fat Betty

What are the chances that I'm not gonna post about "fat Betty" after this Sunday's episode of Mad Men?

That's right...none. Here goes.

On the one hand, I'm a woman who puts "fat curses" on ex-boyfriends and then looks them up here and there on the FB to make sure it's working. (Sorry if any of you suckers are reading this. And by suckers I mean fat suckers.) So insofar as I've joined in with the love-to-hate-Betty aspect of the show, it was a delight to see her struggling into that dress. Total payback thinking that being beautiful and accepted as perfect by society assure you happiness. (Sorry Betty! It's actually being a smart mouthed muffin topper that gets you everywhere in this world. Trust me.) Payback for belittling Sally, etc.

However, the reason I put my famous fat curses on the exes, is because I know just exactly how much it sucks to feel out of control of your body. I know there are technically worse things, but when I think about shitty shit that could befall you, I think of fat. Or maybe its more appropriate to say that I think being leaner could bring them some sorta happiness, which I wish to deny them. I say this as, and I know you might have to just trust me on this because of how I sorta just said that thin = happy, but I say this as a fairly well adjusted fat woman who loves herself. (Seriously, I was admiring my own curves in the mirror today in yoga. In stretchy pants.) However, most of the worst pains in my life have been associated with weight in one way or another, and sometimes it feels like my life's greatest failure with a bunch of smaller related failures inside it. Even while I will tell you that its not that bad and is no way to define yourself, I'll also tell you that its unbearably sucky. That's probably a paradox.

So my point is that, even while I, in some ways, enjoyed the latest fate of the character Betty in shallow ways, more than anything I just plain got why this was supposed to suck so bad for her. And is so...anti- Betty. Not being able to find a goddamn suitable thing to wear, even though they all fit last month...been there. The reality check that causes...let me tell you how a flow chart about that would go: Realize your "fat" dress doesn't fit. Two choices-- decide this is the bottom and take some healthy action...or descend further into food related madness until even your beach mumu doesn't fit at which time a similar choice must be made. The reason I call this the anti-Betty is that her character has always valued the sort of control appearance brings her...over herself...others...perhaps because it was the only kinda of control available to her. And now even that is gone, and she finds herself in a changing world that she just couldn't possibly be prepared for...not like Meagan, whose damn dress zips. Gawd, that dress moment! I know many others get this too, because dresses are evil, and you don't have to approach anything even near fat to have such a moment; you just have to be bigger than you were.

Then there was the phone moment. The other wicked smart people in the room with me, thought maybe that she got bad news-- that she had cancer-- during the interlude where she wasn't speaking yet. My quickness in reading that look though was shocking even to me. (Really, I didn't even need the look.) The look was: "Oh, so I'm just fat." I've had mirror image moments of that conversation, except that I'm a mouthy smart mouthy mouth, who will say exactly that to the doctor, and try to force him to explain why he's content with having an overweight endurance athlete who eats healthier than average for a patient. No, not cancer people. Just fat. The difference is that Betty is terrified to live fat--might as well be a death sentence for her, and I think I can manage it. I guess.